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I Thought Something Was Wrong

But God is Good!

So, I don’t think I’ve opened up about this to many people. I think part of me didn’t want to accept that it could be a reality or what our future might look like.

My son started doing a weird head movement. I became concerned because I had never seen it, it was inconsistent, and it was just flat out weird.

I kept trying to convince myself that it was “normal,” but my gut instinct kept saying no.

I made him an appointment with his doctor with a video of him doing said head movement. I thought to myself, she’s going to tell me baby’s do weird things or worst case scenario, he needed physical therapy for more neck strengthening.

I showed the pediatrician the video and immediately she said, “Can I show this to a colleague of mine?” “Sure,” I said, not feeling reassured whatsoever.

She came back and just said, “I’m going to refer you to a neurologist to rule out seizures. I’ve never seen anything like this before.” End of conversation, end of appointment.

As soon as she walked out, I cried and held my baby really tight. My worst fear that I tried not to think about had become true.

A day later, I got a call to schedule his appointment with the neurologist. It wasn’t for another 6 weeks, my Mama heart simply couldn’t handle. I felt myself obsession over his every move. Watching him like a hawk. I was utterly exhausted. I wanted to document as much as I could, I wanted to document every little movement.

Slowly, he started doing it less & less but still there which wasn’t easing my Anxious Mama heart. My husband kept telling me I was crazy but as I repeatedly told him, I’d rather a doctor call me crazy than something being wrong and we didn’t get to it quick enough.

I told a few friends to please pray for my son but to also pray for me. My anxiety was out of control. I had a migraine for 2 weeks straight, just stressing over what could potentially be a diagnosis.

The day after I told my friends to pray, I got a call that his appointment could be moved up a week earlier (now only 4 weeks away) because of some cancellations.

“God is good!” my heart sang. He knew how anxious I was and knew that my heart wouldn’t be able to handle an extra 2 weeks.

I continued to pray for him every night. I knew God had my son and I knows God has my Anxiety.

One Friday I get a phone call that they could move his appointment up even sooner, that following Tuesday in fact. In over the phone appointment and that I could email the videos I had so the neurologist could view them.

I jumped at the opportunity, I could deal with only 4 more days of Anxiety.

Tuesday came and I tried to not think about it until it was absolutely necessary. Then the hour came and I could feel myself being nauseous.

The phone rang & I answered. She asked what was going on, asked me about his development, asked when they happened, how frequent, amongst other things. Then it was time for the video viewing. I knew for sure this is where he tone of voice would change and she would sound more concerned.

After viewing this videos she gave me a really big term (which now I wish I could remember). My heart sank. WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?? She basically said, “It means that sometimes babies do weird movements and things and they become habits.”

Wow, relief. She explained to me that because of his development and the way he was acting in the videos, it didn’t look like any type of seizure. But she did say she would schedule an EEG for him just to give me an extra peace of mind but she assured me that he was fine.

God is good. Not because of his diagnosis but because He knew that I would not have been satisfied with the answer of his pediatrician saying, “He’s just doing something weird.” Although being told that we were being sent to a neurologist sounds scary, He knew that hearing it from an “expert” would truly put my heart at ease. And I knew He was with us all along because He helped move our appointment sooner. And during that time of waiting, it taught me to put more trust in Him. He has never abandoned me and he will never abandon my children either.

We have an EEG schedule but I know that God is with us. And I know that this is also His way of giving me an EXTRA peace of mind because He knows I have Anxiety because He made me that way and he loves me so much that He will go the extra mile for me, to make sure I know He is with me.

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